...it is - the very last Cute Li'l Art Girl post. In all probability.
I'd been holding out for the perfect time to tell her how I feel about her; but there was always something not quite right. In retrospect, I should've just told her at the first opportunity when it was just the two of us - it was up to me to *make* the perfect time. But I was hesitant, and admittedly a little afraid.
She didn't come out on my last night for my goodbye drinks. So I decided to go and see her at work the next day. I had to leave to go and catch my plane at 6:20pm at the latest, and her shift finished at 5. It was Friday evening though, so I wasn't likely to grab her for post-work drinks alone; there were gonna be all of the folk that had knocked-off work at that time, plus those that wanted to see me off for the last time. Hence, we didn't get a chance to be alone. There was one near miss, when I could've chased her as she went to her car briefly, but I was caught by a couple of very untimely new arrivals. So she slipped away. When she returned, we'd grown to a decent-sized group. Not ideal. And time was ticking on.
And it ticked to the last. And I had a plane to catch, so myself and my flatmate had to go. And so I hugged everyone in turn. And then left.
.....................................................
As my flatmate drove me towards the airport, we both sat stunned - neither of us really knowing what to say, but knowing that we needed to do something. But we couldn't turn back, as we were already cutting time as fine as we could. I considered calling her at home; but that wasn't really an option, as I didn't want to draw her partner's attention.
Then my flatmate had the ingenious idea of phoning the café and asking for her. So I did. To my great relief, the phone was answered by one of the more subtle members of staff, and he went to fetch her without dropping my name to the group. Cute Li'l Art Girl came to the phone.
The conversation went a little something like this (it is - of course - abridged) :
Art Girl : Hello ?
Lemonsquash : Hey there. How's it going ?
AG : Oh... Is that [Lemonsquash] ?
LS : It is. How's it going ? [winces at himself]
AG : Good thanks.
LS : Um... There's something I wanted to tell you, but I didn't get the chance to talk to you when there was just the two of us.
AG : Oh no - this sounds like it's gonna be bad.
LS : No, no - not at all. It's not bad. But it is... er... inappropriate. I mean, not bad. Less than ideal... er...
[pause]
I just wanted to say that I think you're wonderful. And that I'm goint to *really* miss you.
AG : Oh - I'm flattered. That's a lovely thing to say.
LS : And I know it's not the right thing to say - because you've got a partner and everything - but if you didn't, I would've asked you out in a second...
[starts rambling]
That's not to say that you would have accepted. I don't assume that. But I still would have asked. But you probably would have said "no".
AG : You know, I might not have.
LS : Well, um... I just wanted to say that. I hope you don't mind. But if I hadn't, I would've regretted it forever.
AG : Well, thank you. I'm very flattered.
LS : Ok then. I'm going to miss you. Take care, and have fun.
AG : Ok. Have a great trip.
LS : Goodbye. Hopefully we'll meet up again sometime. But if not, bye.
AG : Goodbye.
I cannot escape the feeling that this was too little, too late. I know that nothing could have happened, but I wish I'd have said it face-to-face, so that I could've gauged her response. Maybe she'd have smiled. Maybe I'd have even got a hug. And it certainly would have been less fraught. But I didn't. And I will always regret not having done so.
The hollowness that kept me company on the subsequent 22-hour flight, surrounded by people speaking in languages I don't understand, was mitigated only by the chance that - even though I will never be able to measure by how much - Cute Li'l Art Girl may have felt just a little bit special. Even if it was just for a moment.
