I'm still none the wiser. This weekend we've been so normal with each other that nothing at all has changed, except I'm a lot less neurotically running about like my hair is on fire.

 I've been thinking that maybe I am rushing things. I've been putting all this stress on myself with these self-imposed deadlines to do something and do it now and it's becoming apparent that nothing ever comes of it. It is generally either because I can't do it, I chicken out or when I do do it,  I get a totally unexpected reaction -  in short, nothing ever quite pans out as planned. I think it's time to give up the plans.

The comments I have been getting from the 20six crowd have been phenomenally helpful and encouraging and reassuring. Really cannot thank you lot enough - even if nothing goes to plan or finish how I want it to, you've been great.

I just wanted to give a bit of background info on why I like this man so much:

I always call him Gorgeous Landlord (which I think led Feckinedjit to assume he's physically stunning and that is why I like him) actually, yes I think he is rather dishy, certainly to my eyes he's handsome with his dark hair and blue eyes. I'm not sure where he stands looks-wise to the rest of the female population, but trying to be objective, I think he's above average. But there are far better looking men out there, and not only that, but better looking men who are interested in me, so if looks was my thing I'd be daft to stick with this one. I can, with confidence, say that while he looks nice, it's not his looks that have me hooked. 

That he was dishy did strike me first of all (well actually second of all - right after his gorgeous voice), but looks have never featured hugely in my priorities list when it comes to men. What struck me so much over the months of living here was how much Landlord complemented my thinking. I suddenly had found someone who I could talk to and share ideas with and do so with complete freedom (except one topic, of course). Our views on things such environment, social ethics, modern politics, gender stereotyping  even if they did not agree, they fit - ok, it's not all lofty topics, we'd also discuss the world's best pizza toppings, the different brands of ice creams and their merits, how bus lanes should be better organised with cycle lanes, the reasons why people buy 4x4s, - our opinions and ideas, if not extremely similar were at least coming from the same direction - where we differed we'd talk and swap ideas so easily, I would perhaps modify my own thinking to understand his point or he'd do the same for me. I couldn't believe how much we shared a similar world-view and yet when we differed, we did so in a way that never made the other feel wrong or silly. I know I have changed his opinion on some matters as a result of our evening discussions and he has certainly changed mine on occasion. We still do disagree on a few things but never with it resulting in one feeling superior over the another or it being used as a way of levering power. Ideas are discussed, compared, understood, critiqued, left to be,

So that is, in itself, nice, but what is even more warming is when those quirky little things about me, when I am with him, I feel are perfectly legimitate. Here is someone who sees things as I do. I wonder if he feels the same way?

Case in Point:  at our kitchen window we have two spider webs. One web is owned by a large garden spider, who sits quietly at its centre and the other is a web that stretches more like a large marquee across the lower corner of the window. The two spiders have been comfortable there for some weeks now and we both keep a protective eye on them, noting whether some of the web has been damaged or whether food seems scarce. The two spiders are somewhat of an inconvenience, as we cannot open the kitchen window, but for their sakes we keep the window shut and use the backdoor to let the smoke out when I've overdone the roast potatoes again. Such behaviour (of keeping two pet spiders) is hardly normal and yet it's something we both do, it is an uspoken understanding we have that these two spiders are our guests. It's weird, I know. I'm sure many people wonder what that is all about, but it's a way of thinking that Landlord and I both share without needing to express it. Never have we said: those two spiders there, shall we keep them? We just do and know the other does, too. 

Landlord and I both try to be ethical consumers. I can't believe I have found a normal person who shares a level-headed (read: mild, non-militant) enthusiasm for exotic vegetables, world-cooking, organic food, biodegradable detergents, trying new types of tofu (neither of us are vegetarian). We make our own tempe (fermented soybeans) and both get equally excited about each batch. We enjoy each other's little kitchen projects, be it making our own tofu, tempe, growing chilis from seed, setting up a compost heap made from an old dustbin, investigating beekeeping, homemade grape juice/yoghurt/cheese/bread/whatever. 

There is only ONE thing that we differ on greatly: he is no big fan of fluffy animals in general or cats in particular. He's not about to kick the nearest trespassing feline into next door's rosebush or anything, but he does not instinctively try to make friends with any and every living creature he comes across. But he is kind to spiders.

Gorgeous Landlord is the kind of person who will take something generally unpopular or unfashionable and like it because no one else does. He is the kind of person, who when asked his favourite colour will immediately choose green, because everyone else has gone for blue or red. He'll drink an ale no one else does because no one else does, he likes pubs that are dusty and old and makes sure to see the charm in things maligned. He'll always support the underdog and always checks to make sure he's not following the herd. He enjoys being different but makes no grand announcement to all that he is so. He's not the kind of person to go out in a pink corduruoy suit just to be different, he has no desire to stand out from the crowd, but he does prefer to face the other way sometimes. Just because.

That last quality is something that we don't really have in common, but is something I admire in him. He enjoys to be different without making a big "hey, look at me - see how different I am" about it. It's individual in an understated, 'I don't care who knows or who doesn't know' way.

There is no question that he is intelligent and thoughtful about a variety of things. He thinks about the whys and how comes on a variety of topics and will try to understand it from as many angles as he can. That I play devil's advocate a lot actually makes our conversations more fun as he does not get frustrated with someone putting a spanner in the works of an idea. He listens, works with it, or challenges it, or adapts the theory and the conversation moves on.

 When he talks of himself, you'll rarely hear pride. He is proud of the right things (honesty, integrity, empathy) but does not give in to a petulant ego as much as most others. I admire in him how he knows very well when it's his ego talking and understands his own weaknesses. I have never seen a nasty side, I have never seen him put his own ego above the needs of others, I have never seen him lose his rag or sulk. He is incredibly even-tempered and easy to talk to. There have been occasions he's spoken about when he's not behaved perfectly but what I like is that he knows and understands when this happens. He's very open about things we human beings do to make ourselves feel better, even at the expense of others. He sees when he himself does it but he is very understanding and forgiving when others do it around him. He accepts the flaws of others as he accepts his own. He is the kind of person you can see enjoys being human but does not get big-headed from human achievements or berate the self for human failings. 

All these various qualities that I so like, admire, enjoy about him mean that while I have liked and fancied other men before, this one is different. This is someone I want to be around, always and if it means a wholly platonic, never more than friends kind of arrangement, then those are the terms I'd accept. Being with him means more to me than any kind of sexual relationship or boyfriend/girlfriend labels to stick on each other, which is why I am so unwilling to risk it all for the sake of becoming a couple. Being a couple would mean the world to me but it's no good if only I want it that way.  

and so for now I'll enjoy the laughter we have (every day) and the conversations we share, and the foods we eat and the games we play and the jokes we tell and the ideas we build. I enjoy it too much to throw it away on insisting we be a couple. I may eventually get tired of being at arms length, I may meet someone else who catches me eye and maybe then I'll see the Gorgeous Landlord as just someone whose company I enjoy. I'll just see how it goes. How much he likes me back is still a burning question - I'll see how things develop. Things seemed to change so fast these past few months and I got far more attention from him than I thought possible just 6 months ago, this may not yet be the end. For now I'll stop fretting so much and just see how it goes.

ooh but last night we went down the pub with Interesting Friend. after his 4.5 pints, he was trying to explain the rules of cricket to me and I made sure we got home safely.

Watching TV later we competed in the who can keep chocolate unmelted in their mouth the longest. No foul play soon turned to torture by tickling (I started it, hehehehe) and I think I ended up on the floor after being ejected from the sofa twice, following a failed attack,  Round two was who can suck their piece of chocolate the fastest. There was not much conversation during this round but I enjoy bringing out his competitive side.

There was plenty of full scale wrestling and feet tickling. Even once the chocolate was all gone, I refused to get off the sofa (well, he didn't seem to want rid of me anyway) so we sat on the sofa, legs intertwined until the coffee wore off and we went to bed.

That was such fun, I've no idea if he was flirting or if it meant anything. I just enjoyed it. I hope he did, too.

Today he's at a friend's for Sunday lunch. That I'm not invited means I know where I stand -[cue sad face] but it's been nice to have the day to myself. Both of us like our own space, too. That both of us are happy in our own company is another thing we have in common.

Before he left he fixed my bike for me so I could go cycling (I haven't used my bike in a year because the brakes needed looking at) I guess he was in the mood. Yesterday he was wiring the lights on his bike and I kept him company, helped with the wiring (as much as I could) and marvelled how I could see a bike as one object and he saw it as 200 or so individual components (he is an avid cycle enthusiast, hence the lycra of a morning. The bike he has he's practically rebuilt a dozen times over)

That we've gone back to being utterly normal (or rather for him nothing has changed, it is only I who has gone back to normal) is somewhat disheartening but also somehow comforting. However awkward I was 7am Friday morning hasn't actually ruined anything and I can take some time to settle myself and take a fresh leap another time. For now I'll be watching him and if he makes any moves, I'll be only too glad to be around, but I'm not going to fret and get all anxious if things start looking mixed again. I can kep dropping clues, listen for his. I think that I practically jumped on him to make his chocolate melt faster is a big clue and I hope it's broken the ice even further. It's the first time we've shared the sofa. May it not be the last.